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Brittany the Queerio: Gleeking Out of the Closet

9 Nov

It should come as no surprise that I am a huge Gleek.  Cheesy high school antics, musical theatre and Jane Lynch?  How could I not love Glee?  Like many other Gleeks, I have favorites.  Puck is my top sexy pick.  He’s a hot, outlaw Jew who had a mohawk for the majority of the first season.  He’s also got a beautiful voice and a body to die for.  I would touch him for hours while he texted and ignored me.  I have problems.  Whatever.

Initally, I figured that Rachel would be my main character of choice; Lea Michele has been on my musical theatre radar since Spring Awakening.  She is, in many ways, a younger Idina Menzel (who played her birth mom on the show due to their physical and musical similarities).  I’ve been in love with Idina since… ever.  Rachel is ambitious, nerdy, spunky and beyond talented.  Also, once again, I can’t help but love seeing a nice, Jewish girl.  More chances for excellent episodes about Passover.  Always a win.

As time went on, though, I found myself waiting for the moments that side-character, Brittany, the resident ditz, would open her mouth.  The writers give her the best lines!  Let’s examine some of them:

“[Miss Pillsbury] is the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker.”
“When I pulled my hamstring I went to a misogynist.”
“I’m pretty sure my cat’s been reading my diary.”
“I’ve been here since first period. I had a cold and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can’t remember how to leave.”
“I don’t brush my teeth, I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was some sort of dentist.”

My favorite, though, is the ever popular:
“Dolphins are just gay sharks.”

Brilliance.  Pure and simple.  I’m not alone in thinking this.  My personal Lord and savior, Joss Whedon, has gone on record saying that Brittany is his favorite character.

Seriously, check the 1 minute mark.

Vindicated in my love!  Joss agrees with me!  All is right in the world.

As much as the dolphins line may have been the closer for many people, it is actually Brittany’s sexuality that makes her tops in my book.  Lately on Glee, there has been much discussion of the loneliness Kurt feels as the only openly out gay kid at McKinnley High.  Yes, Kurt is fabulous.  Yes, it is wonderful to have a gay character who is accepted by his friends and family at such a young age.  Yes, growing up queer in Smalltown, USA is usually made of super suck.  For all of these reasons (and his fantastic voice), Kurt is wonderful.

Still, I wish he (and the other members of the Glee club) would open their eyes to the one person who has accepted her sexuality, complications and all.  That person is Brittany.  Maybe she’s too stupid to realize that being queer is something outside of the norm where she is.  Maybe she just doesn’t give a shit.  Either way, she’s open about who she is.

Brittany is attracted to pretty much everyone.  To paraphrase the great Margaret Cho, Brittany isn’t straight, she isn’t gay…she’s just slutty.  Besides the fact that she has slept with basically the entire football team, Brittany has an ongoing sexual (and possibly romantic) relationship with fellow Glee club member and Cheerio, Santana.  While watching the first season, I was floored when  Brittany pointed out that if having sex were equivalent to dating, she and Santana would be going out.

Hold the phone, Glee!  Did you just admit to intimate lady-relations between teenagers on prime-time TV?  It sure did.  And no big deal was made of it, either.  Brittany wasn’t tortured by the prospect of admitting it.  Santana wasn’t horrified when the information came out.  They both kept walking down the hallway as they always do, living their lives as hot, popular cheerleaders, albeit ones who have a fair amount of sex with each other.

In later episodes, Brittany talks about more women as attractive.  She even wants to touch the (fairly unattractive, if you ask me) female football coach’s breasts.  Most recently, Brittany and Santana were seen making out.  Brittany even thought that Santana’s “sweet lady kisses” were a nice break from scissoring.   Scissoring!  On network television!  Once again, this was not in an informational episode about creative lesbian activities.  No one learned an important lesson about how some people touch their bits together and walked away as a stronger, better community.   It was a regular-ass episode in which two ladies kissed and talked about the sex they were having without it being an issue.  Halle-fucking-lujah!

I know that gay identity and gay bullying, especially in high-school aged kids are HUGE problems right now.  I’m not attempting to say that Kurt isn’t a good representation of some of those problems.  I just want people to think about queer identities that alternative to a gay/straight dichotomy.  I want people to realize that Brittany, in all of her stupidity and riduclousness is the closest representation to my sexuality that I’ve ever seen on TV, much less on a mainstream, network show and I, for one, appreciate the hell out of it.

You rock on, Brittany.  You rock on or under or around with whomever it is you want to be making sexes.  I’ll be here, loving you and blogging about it.


What Characters Really Want

28 Sep

As a humorous response to a Facebook post, I decided to make a classified ad for Jareth, the Goblin King.  A good friend suggested that I make more classifieds from fantasy, sci-fi and beloved kids movies.  Naturally, I obliged.  Now, you can guess the movie (or character, whatever.)  Fun games for everyone!

1. Attractive Goblin King w large package and contact juggling skills seeks strong-willed but naive girl for ballroom dancing, muppet parties and sing-alongs. Will provide outfits. Love, fear and doing what I say essential. You get slavery in return. Hoping to hear from you.

2. Last lady from dead race desires dude with lady name for adventure.  Must love fuzzy dog-like creature.  No skeksis, plz.

3. Attractive oinker with penchant for green flesh and webbed toes desires companion for bike rides. Dreamers and producers esp. welcomed.

4. Midget in need of nanny. Seriously, this kid is practically my size.  Also looking for somewhat insane bodyguard/traveling companion.

5. Rugged not-at-all King needs otherworldly woman. Be self-sufficient as my job keeps me on the road a lot. Fluent in English and Elvish preferred.

6. Really old Scotsman looking for fighting companion.  Prefer other really old people.  No draws allowed.  One winner per fight.

7. Empress needs bullied bookworm to save her with valor and love. Warning – am jailbait.

8. Entertaining ghost seeks child-bride for eternity.  Will always be available for those who know my name.  Am fashionable and witty. Be the same. Goths encouraged.

9. Injured lady-warrior seeking battle-hardened man. I spent my life trying to prove I am as good as my (now dead) brother to our (now dead) dad. You should be able to relate. Must love defending men from encroaching darkness and horses.

10. Strange-looking demon king seeks lady love. Must be willing to wear elaborate outfits.  Must hate daylight, as I am only a nighttime kinda guy. Am willing to kidnap to find right woman. Plz don’t have cosmic love-match, as killing them makes me tired.

11. Shiny, type-A robot wants friend (and more) for desert wanderings and space travel.  Should be fluent in many languages.

12. Want some out-of-this world fun? I like accidentally getting drunk, eating candy, and flying bicycles. Plz respond w/ad – am not great w/phones.

13. Are you the lady of my dreams? Me: office worker by day, angel warrior guy by night. You: lovely blonde. Must be ok with government bureaucracy and overbearing, looks-obsessed mother. Send me your completed forms to file and I’ll send you mine.

Those are what I got for now.  I might add more later.  Feel free to leave some in the comments.