What Characters Really Want

28 Sep

As a humorous response to a Facebook post, I decided to make a classified ad for Jareth, the Goblin King.  A good friend suggested that I make more classifieds from fantasy, sci-fi and beloved kids movies.  Naturally, I obliged.  Now, you can guess the movie (or character, whatever.)  Fun games for everyone!

1. Attractive Goblin King w large package and contact juggling skills seeks strong-willed but naive girl for ballroom dancing, muppet parties and sing-alongs. Will provide outfits. Love, fear and doing what I say essential. You get slavery in return. Hoping to hear from you.

2. Last lady from dead race desires dude with lady name for adventure.  Must love fuzzy dog-like creature.  No skeksis, plz.

3. Attractive oinker with penchant for green flesh and webbed toes desires companion for bike rides. Dreamers and producers esp. welcomed.

4. Midget in need of nanny. Seriously, this kid is practically my size.  Also looking for somewhat insane bodyguard/traveling companion.

5. Rugged not-at-all King needs otherworldly woman. Be self-sufficient as my job keeps me on the road a lot. Fluent in English and Elvish preferred.

6. Really old Scotsman looking for fighting companion.  Prefer other really old people.  No draws allowed.  One winner per fight.

7. Empress needs bullied bookworm to save her with valor and love. Warning – am jailbait.

8. Entertaining ghost seeks child-bride for eternity.  Will always be available for those who know my name.  Am fashionable and witty. Be the same. Goths encouraged.

9. Injured lady-warrior seeking battle-hardened man. I spent my life trying to prove I am as good as my (now dead) brother to our (now dead) dad. You should be able to relate. Must love defending men from encroaching darkness and horses.

10. Strange-looking demon king seeks lady love. Must be willing to wear elaborate outfits.  Must hate daylight, as I am only a nighttime kinda guy. Am willing to kidnap to find right woman. Plz don’t have cosmic love-match, as killing them makes me tired.

11. Shiny, type-A robot wants friend (and more) for desert wanderings and space travel.  Should be fluent in many languages.

12. Want some out-of-this world fun? I like accidentally getting drunk, eating candy, and flying bicycles. Plz respond w/ad – am not great w/phones.

13. Are you the lady of my dreams? Me: office worker by day, angel warrior guy by night. You: lovely blonde. Must be ok with government bureaucracy and overbearing, looks-obsessed mother. Send me your completed forms to file and I’ll send you mine.

Those are what I got for now.  I might add more later.  Feel free to leave some in the comments.


One Response to “What Characters Really Want”

  1. Dan Markham December 19, 2010 at 9:02 AM #


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